I Will Die Before You Make Me Wear Low-Rise Jeans Again

May 19, 2015 - fall Denim

I Will Die Before You Make Me Wear Low-Rise Jeans Again

Hey, remember low-rise jeans? That trend from a early-aughts that looked zodiacally terrible on everyone? The character of pants that are a many violent thing to occur in conform given a whale-bone corset? Well, fear of horrors, Vogue says they’re back.

Kelly Connor, one of Vogue’s RESIDENT SADISTS, writes:

…When putting together a new denim video, ‘All My Friends Love to Dance, Wear Jeans’ and in office of a new must-have denim, my mind immediately went in a conflicting direction: to a low-rise. The marketplace is no longer usually about skintight, ankle-squeezing jeans (even that conformation has vastly expanded, and now includes cropped skinnies, ankle skinnies, and a somewhat paradoxical ‘relaxed’ skinny). We are in a midst of a denim renaissance!

Oh, yeah, Kelly? Can we knowledge a denim renaissance if I’M DEAD? Because a lapse of a low-rise jeans will indeed kill me. If we mount for zero (in a reasonable and graceful high-rise), we tumble for all and we swear to CHRIST that we will Braveheart this shit and have my viscera pulled from my goddamn denim-covered courage before we let this happen.

So go ahead, channel Jane Birkin, or Kate Moss, and get low: The brief zipper, a three-button fly, a nonexistent waistband . . . these low-rise jeans direct confidence, strategy—and let’s be honest, some crunches.

Sorry, we can’t get low. You know why? Because I’ve already laid down on Benihana griddle and immolated myself. You can’t dress a raise of remains in low-rise jeans, Kelly! You can try, though we can’t do it!

And given this is 2015, let’s try to be doubly clever to equivocate a common caveats of low-riders (exposed undies, “plumber butt,” and reduce behind tats). But a best news yet? Wardrobe malfunctions are simply avoided with a assistance of a new, modern, well-cut low-rise—and a stout belt.

Do we consider we can force low-rise jeans on me if I’m a spook who’s HAUNTING YOU? Haha, doubt it. You’ll be too bustling perplexing to exorcise me, though jokes on we since exorcising ghosts in low-rise jeans—considering a volume of transformation we have to do—is fundamentally impossible.

REMEMBER ME AS we WAS: DRESSED IN HIGH-WAISTED PANTS AND SCREAMING ABOUT THINGS THAT NO ONE ELSE CARES ABOUT.

Image around Getty.


Contact a author during madeleine@jezebel.com.

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